a day in the life.


the nonbeliever. (the final section)

Posted in Uncategorized by erin on the December 2, 2011

I heard the news. I’m not leaving here like they promised. They said I would only have to stay a few months but surprise, surprise-they lied. You’re new here, have we met before? How come you people never answer questions but I am forced to constantly speak. How will I ever get out of here if nobody helps me? See this bracelet, I bought us matching ones. I wanted to buy her one for her birthday and add the charms to it for every special moment we encountered together, but she refused to wear one if I wasn’t wearing one too, she was selfless that way. I know you seem shocked. She had her moments of selflessness, of pure good. I thought she was a completely different, better person sometimes, but I never told her that. She begged we get the matching best friend charms, this one here. She refused to let me go, didn’t want to accept the fact we wouldn’t be major parts of each other’s lives any longer. And I fed into it. I bought the charms and let her have the words as if they meant something. I never understood why the heart looked cracked. A broken heart, I think that’s why she liked it so much. It really symbolized our relationship. I could only buy her three charms before she left. I’m so angry she was buried in that bracelet. I know she loved it and whatever but maybe I would have liked to have it, I mean I did buy it for her. It meant a lot to me. Well, sure, I have a lot of her stuff obviously, but I wear my bracelet and feel a longing for her, to see her charms, and touch her face. How come I wasn’t buried with her? She loved me. I would’ve liked to go with them. She’s decaying now, her body. Her long hair grows more but the rest of her breaks down and dies just like she did.
I have a secret or two and for a long time it went away. But now it’s back and it’s bothering me deeply, I was hoping perhaps we could discuss it. However, I need to set some ground rules. You can tell no one of anything said here. I know the confidentiality clauses and what not; remember I sat where you sit now once? I’ll sue you five times over if I ever find out this verbal contract was broken. I know you can’t technically agree because you don’t know what I’m going to say but I don’t care. As the patient, I will not open up unless I know for sure it is safe to do so. Fine. Whatever. Her parents never asked for an autopsy. And they never donated her organs like she wanted. If she knew she still had those organs she would be pissed off. She wasn’t even dead when we called 911; I tried to keep her alive. For God’s sake, I was covered in her blood. Her organs could have been potentially viable but they never even considered it. They always did selfish things like that and never listened to her. That’s just the type of people they are I guess; not everyone can change.
That night, the reason I was on my way over in fact, was because she told me she was three months pregnant. We had only made love that one time since our relationship ended and of course that would happen to us. We would be burdened at the most inconvenient times of our lives. But for someone so pessimistic, she saw all the good in the situation. But I couldn’t. How could we have been so fucking stupid? I mean, we’re just a bunch of honors kids. I don’t make the wrong decision, I don’t do bad things. This is the kind of fucking up she would do, not me. I shouldn’t be punished too, even though it wasn’t really all her fault. I know see that both of us can be equally blamed. She saw this as a chance to be together, work on things; maybe even live a dream we once had. I saw it as a mistake, an expensive failure, and a reminder of the life I didn’t want anymore. I didn’t mean to be so harsh to her. I didn’t think she’d tell me over the phone but I forced her to. She begged me to come over because she wanted to wait until we were face to face, so we could deal with it together. But I had plans, friends to see. I never broke my plans for her and I wasn’t about to start then. So she blurted it out and I froze. I couldn’t breathe, I felt my life ending. So, when I was able to regain myself I might have flipped out. A little. Or a lot. Who’s to say now what was actually said. I’m lying. To your face, I’m lying. I know what I said and the words continuously haunt me. But I wish that was the only thing that follows me.
By the time I reached her, she was warm and bloody like I said. I sent her over the edge, again, and she took a knife to her dark veins. But she was alive. Crying and screaming at me, telling me to go home and we were done. She said she meant this time; she never wanted to see me again. She said I wasn’t the man she thought I was, that she didn’t even recognize me anymore because I refused to accept this child and her into my life. When she said she hated me, I snapped. I threw her on the bed and smacked her in the face. Every single wrong she had ever done to me flashed before my red eyes and I couldn’t control myself. I turned into a monster and I am sorry. I took the knife and did what I had to do.
She was just a lost soul in lost youth. She didn’t want to be found, no matter how hard I tried. I did her a favor. She believed people could change. She told me she would. And she did. But somehow the perpetual sorrow would not stop following her. She didn’t believe in happiness or hope, love and weddings, never herself but always me. The only belief I ever witnessed was her will and accomplishment of change. And, she always believed in us and the romantic love we could have. I didn’t believe she would turn into the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t believe she could ever be something other than the fuck up she was. I gave her chances but never ones that mattered, never the important moments she needed to prove to me she was different, and better. I used to wish she would just smile; she acted like it was the hardest thing in the world to do. Now, I am the nonbeliever. I can no longer smile and I forgot how it feels to laugh. I killed an unborn relationship. I killed the small hope that was left inside us. I killed love. Now, I have to live with the consequences.

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2 Responses to 'the nonbeliever. (the final section)'

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  1.   erin said,

    on December 2nd, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    is it clear who the speaker is venting to, or where he is, or how he got there?

  2.   Pru said,

    on December 4th, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    i think so was she talking to the guy? or herself?

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